I can’t cry hard enough, for you to hear me now.

The reason I’m back on here is because I love the fact that you can just ctrl+b to make bold stuff. On Xanga, you can’t. Therefore, it angerfies me. Also, the person whom I wish to rant about keeps in touch with my Xanga, and he can read all the crap I write. He’ll probably see this blog one day; either because I show him or he comes across it. But whatever.

For the past week I believe, Michael and I have been really close. If you’ve been updated with my life, you’ll know that Michael and I broke up about a month ago, and for a while after that, he kept shoving me off and telling me to move on and let go. Then he went back to his ex, and things happened, and apparently they’re falling for each other. I was quite heartbroken, and for a while we weren’t able to talk normally because the pain of imagining them together would start to kill me, and we’d get into another argument.

Then things started to change. We started talking more, just normally. But we would always end up flirting or saying sweet things to each other. This flirtatiousness increased immensely after he came over, and we were acting like a couple again. He was finally able to say I love you to me, something he hasn’t been able to do since we broke up. We talked for a while, and he poured out to me how confused he is between me and her. I know, I know. Why waste my time on someone who won’t even give his full heart to me? I think he’s worth it.

One day, I messaged Michael on AIM, and he got annoyed because he hates talking on AIM because it makes him “feel tied down.” So we decided to block each other for a while.

This failed. We ended up having very long conversations over Myspace, and within about 5 days, we unblocked each other and talked again. And we’ve only been getting closer since.

Yesterday, he finally admitted something to me. He told me he felt that the only reason he went to her was because he wanted to feel something he didn’t feel in our relationship. But he admitted that he was also avoiding putting the effort to try to have the deep love and connection with me. For the past year, I’ve been telling him over and over, lets just sit down and talk about stuff. But he’d constantly tell me, Elisha, you know I’m not a talking kind of person. So he’s basically been pushing away the chances of having the deep connection with me, but now he knows that if he puts work into it, then we could have something even better. And I’m glad he realized that.

I’m hoping with some growing up, we can both end up together again. Cos we both have some growing up to do.

The thing that’s really holding him back is that he doesn’t want to betray or hurt anyone. I know it’s probably selfish and shallow of me to say this, but I feel more than anything like he feels bad for her because he led her on. He didn’t mean to, and I know that. He just needed someone to go to and then things just happened. And I know how he feels, because I know I tend to go to certain boys when I’m so hung up over another. And then they start to think there’s chances of getting together, when I’m not interested. Or I’d start shamelessly flirting. I know, it’s horrible, and there’s no excuse for it except that I was only thinking about myself.

There’s this possibility in the back of my mind that he could be feeling guilty for me because he feels they have something we could never have. Which isn’t true, because as I said earlier, if we’re both willing to put the effort in, we could have something even better. We have this connection they don’t, and I know that for sure. And I know we can have something extraordinary if we put our hearts into it.

I really feel that letting her go is something he needs to do. Cos he can’t always have her around like that, he admitted that he’s done this to her more than once. I’m not just saying that because I want him for myself (though at the same time, kinda yeah) but because I feel it would be better for him and for her. This isn’t to say they should stop talking forever, cos I know they’re good friends. And I know it’s hard to let go of your first love. But as he keeps saying over and over, if you don’t let go and you hold on too long, you’ll end up hurting. And he’s been holding on for a long time, and it’s time he let someone else into his life. What he felt for me was real; he told me this, and I believe him. But if he’s always going to have her in the back of his mind, how is he supposed to be happy? How can he fall in love again, and let someone else in? It’s natural to start thinking of your exes and how they used to make you feel, I know. And it’s hard to move on. But honestly, I feel like he hasn’t allowed himself to move on because he wants someone he can always run back to. And I know she’s willing to fall for it every single time.

And on her part, she needs to let go too. I know it wasn’t just Michael that made this whole falling for each other thing happen. I know they didn’t plan on it, and it just did, but there are factors that make it happen. And I’m so sure that she hasn’t been able to let him go. She needs to accept that he’s going to find other people. He told me straight up, “Why is it I can’t let you have anyone else, but I don’t care who she’s with?” She keeps trying to talk to me through Xanga and trying to be my “friend” and ask me questions. But to be completely honest, I don’t want anything to do with her. As much as I should “keep your enemies close,” I know that if I talked to her, I would SCREAM and BITCH at her about COUNTLESS things, and I know I’d end up regretting the things I said, because she’d tell on me to Michael and I’d end up hurt again.

I can understand where she’s coming from, because more than once I’ve been in the position of the “other” girl. Maybe she isn’t the “other” girl, I don’t know, I feel horrible calling her that because I’m just assuming. But I know he wants me in his life as maybe something more than friends, because otherwise, we wouldn’t keep talking even when we’d say we’d stop. We wouldn’t tell each other how much we still love each other, and we wouldn’t keep caring so much about each other. With time I have faith that we’d be able to work this out, and as I said earlier, with some growing up, things may change.

Last night confused him so much because I started bringing her up again, and now he feels guilty and that he betrays everyone. I’m trying to show him how much he means to me and he’s someone I want to be with, and also that I just want him to be happy in the end. But I know we can make this work…

I went all over the place, sorry. The end.

First Rant Time!

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Okay, now that THAT’S out of the way … I am first going to get my personal problems out of the way. Just because I’m fucking peachy like that.

Paranoid Girlfriends.
What. The. HELL. It’s pathetic. Fucking pathetic, I swear. Storytime? I believe so.

A used to like me (and sorry for starting this off with a line like that but seriously this shit is just bugging me out), I was only interested in his best friend, therefore, he gives up on me. Winter break, he calls me quite a few times just to vent about how much his GADDAMN GIRLFRIEND is mad at him. Boo hoo, A. From the way she treats him, I’m already starting to dislike her. But me not wanting to be judgemental, I let this all slide and try to talk him into staying with her and not letting this get to him. Countless times they’ve gotten “close to breaking up,” but A cries to her (yes, cries) and she decides to keep him. I don’t even know if her feelings are genuine for him or he’s just this little cutie she knows she’s got wrapped around her finger. He even tells me she’s admitted to cheating on him because of some stupid 48324023942nd fight. A is obviously pissed, calls me, vents to me, I make him feel better, we part, acting as if our conversation never occurred. Bullshit? Quite so.

So, she apparently picks up on our friendship. YES, FRIENDSHIP. We’re MAD close, since like friggin’ freshman year. And as much as she wants to seperate that, she can’t, because now, she doesn’t want him to associate with me. At all. HOW. BULLSHIT. How the FUCK did that happen? Simple. MYSPACE. It all started out with A putting me fourth on his top 4. I was the only girl aside from her to be on there. Unsurprisingly, she gets weird about this. But she DIDN’T have to HACK INTO his MYSPACE and TAKE ME OUT. Yes. Unnecessary, much? I wondered what was going on. Clueless, I ask him POLITELY, and not annoyingly like most people, why I wasn’t there, laughing it off casually. He responds simply with: “sorry, she did it.” Ha.

A is stupid, as most guys. For some strange reason he feels the need to tell P, his girl, that he used to like me. First of all, what seriously makes him want to say that .. TO HIS GIRLFRIEND? Is he not aware that saying “used to” is just as bad as “I do now“? Seriously, it is. Feelings can come back anytime it wants. We all know this. Plus, saying “used to” is really suspicious and will get anyone thinking. “Used to” is a really bad word to use when talking about liking someone. I may be exaggerating but who the fuck cares. Anyway, that gets her even more paranoid. And what does she tell him? “I don’t want you talking to her anymore.” Ain’t that sweet, children? Does she actually think I’ll be stupid and “steal A away from her”?!?! That’s really funny. I can’t even tell someone off to their face yet alone steal away someone’s boyfriend.
Now, at school, it’s like he doesn’t even know me. He looks right past me as if I’m not there. I’m sitting there looking really pathetic trying to get his attention and saying hi to him as if I’m a complete stranger saying hi to some random guy I don’t even know. I start feeling really really stupid.

What really ticks me off was yesterday after school, he says, “I need to talk to you later.” He looks over at her direction. I follow his gaze and already know what’s going on. Eyebrows knitted, I ask, “What?” He shrugs me off and repeats, “I need to talk to you later.” I push on. “What’s it about? It’s about her, huh? She doesn’t want me to talk to you anymore?” He gives me a look and says, “Later.” I know now not to push anymore.

So then later he goes on AIM. He I/Ms me and tells me he’s going to call later. I’m like, cool. So we talk. We’re awesome. He talks just like the regular A I’ve always known and loved like a brother. He signs off later, but not before telling me he’s going to call right then and there. So I wait.
An hour passes. No call. I’m chill. Things happen. I let it slide.
Two hours. Kay something’s fishy.
Thirty more minutes. Fuck this. I sleep.

Next day, which was today, I see him at the cafeteria. Once again, I’m invisible. Of course, because she’s there. After school, his girlfriend is off somewhere else and I’m left alone with him. He looks at me and I just wait for him to say hi. He eventually does. We wave, high five each other, since apparently that’s the only contact we can have without her bitching. But – oh look – miss what’s-her-face merely yells “AY!” and there he comes running toward her. I’m. Not. Kidding. She whispers in his ear and they bother walk away together.
I’m mad pissed. MADDD PISSED. My close friend V has her jaw dropped, and she looks at me, knowing my situation, and says, “Yup. She doesn’t like you.” And I rant about how much of a DOG A is becoming because of this. That’s right. DOG. Fucking. WHIPPED.

It also pissed me off how she hella pushed me today. She “booty bumped” me. I have no balance at all. Any small little push from someone sends me flying, seriously. She bumps into me, and I almost topple over on my face. I turn around and see her horrified look, and she’s like, “OMG, YOU ALMOST FELL COZ OF THAT?!”

Yeah bitch I almost fell because of your gaddamn gigantic Jupiter ass.

So you’re probably wondering, “oh Elisha, why must you let this bug you?” Wanna know why? Because I may have feelings for him. MAY, okay? But that doesn’t mean I want to break them apart or anything. She has that dirty ass fucking look on her face every time I pass her. WHAT THE HELL. She’s definitely not aware that I actually HELP her boyfriend from BREAKING UP with her. She would be NOTHING without this sweet guy. NOTHING.

Yet, this brings me to my other theory. Why is it A wants to stay with this girl who goes low enough to blame her bitchyness on her period? Everysingletime, eh? More than a week of every month. More like an hour of every day. A doesn’t deserve this. He’s way sweet and nice. He goes through her shit every day, even blaming it on himself sometimes. She continues to act like such a bitch no matter how much A apologizes for things he’s done. Even STUPID POINTLESS things. UGHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, back to that theory. I believe he’s doing this for status. She’s really, really popular. He used to be a nobody. A really popular girl gets interested in a nobody. Who WOULDN’T take that chance? So I’m guessing he really doesn’t want people hating on him and stuff. That’s still really lame. Vented to my friend Mike who said:

Mike: can’t get no friends so you ditch ur real friends for fake ones you got over status ?? the fuck ??!?!?!

A’s philosophy is obviously: bitchygirlfriend over sweetbestfriend.

I had more problems to rant about but I think I’ll save that for another blog. Kthnx for reading loves, sorry it had to be a boring boy problem. Loves<3