I can’t cry hard enough, for you to hear me now.

The reason I’m back on here is because I love the fact that you can just ctrl+b to make bold stuff. On Xanga, you can’t. Therefore, it angerfies me. Also, the person whom I wish to rant about keeps in touch with my Xanga, and he can read all the crap I write. He’ll probably see this blog one day; either because I show him or he comes across it. But whatever.

For the past week I believe, Michael and I have been really close. If you’ve been updated with my life, you’ll know that Michael and I broke up about a month ago, and for a while after that, he kept shoving me off and telling me to move on and let go. Then he went back to his ex, and things happened, and apparently they’re falling for each other. I was quite heartbroken, and for a while we weren’t able to talk normally because the pain of imagining them together would start to kill me, and we’d get into another argument.

Then things started to change. We started talking more, just normally. But we would always end up flirting or saying sweet things to each other. This flirtatiousness increased immensely after he came over, and we were acting like a couple again. He was finally able to say I love you to me, something he hasn’t been able to do since we broke up. We talked for a while, and he poured out to me how confused he is between me and her. I know, I know. Why waste my time on someone who won’t even give his full heart to me? I think he’s worth it.

One day, I messaged Michael on AIM, and he got annoyed because he hates talking on AIM because it makes him “feel tied down.” So we decided to block each other for a while.

This failed. We ended up having very long conversations over Myspace, and within about 5 days, we unblocked each other and talked again. And we’ve only been getting closer since.

Yesterday, he finally admitted something to me. He told me he felt that the only reason he went to her was because he wanted to feel something he didn’t feel in our relationship. But he admitted that he was also avoiding putting the effort to try to have the deep love and connection with me. For the past year, I’ve been telling him over and over, lets just sit down and talk about stuff. But he’d constantly tell me, Elisha, you know I’m not a talking kind of person. So he’s basically been pushing away the chances of having the deep connection with me, but now he knows that if he puts work into it, then we could have something even better. And I’m glad he realized that.

I’m hoping with some growing up, we can both end up together again. Cos we both have some growing up to do.

The thing that’s really holding him back is that he doesn’t want to betray or hurt anyone. I know it’s probably selfish and shallow of me to say this, but I feel more than anything like he feels bad for her because he led her on. He didn’t mean to, and I know that. He just needed someone to go to and then things just happened. And I know how he feels, because I know I tend to go to certain boys when I’m so hung up over another. And then they start to think there’s chances of getting together, when I’m not interested. Or I’d start shamelessly flirting. I know, it’s horrible, and there’s no excuse for it except that I was only thinking about myself.

There’s this possibility in the back of my mind that he could be feeling guilty for me because he feels they have something we could never have. Which isn’t true, because as I said earlier, if we’re both willing to put the effort in, we could have something even better. We have this connection they don’t, and I know that for sure. And I know we can have something extraordinary if we put our hearts into it.

I really feel that letting her go is something he needs to do. Cos he can’t always have her around like that, he admitted that he’s done this to her more than once. I’m not just saying that because I want him for myself (though at the same time, kinda yeah) but because I feel it would be better for him and for her. This isn’t to say they should stop talking forever, cos I know they’re good friends. And I know it’s hard to let go of your first love. But as he keeps saying over and over, if you don’t let go and you hold on too long, you’ll end up hurting. And he’s been holding on for a long time, and it’s time he let someone else into his life. What he felt for me was real; he told me this, and I believe him. But if he’s always going to have her in the back of his mind, how is he supposed to be happy? How can he fall in love again, and let someone else in? It’s natural to start thinking of your exes and how they used to make you feel, I know. And it’s hard to move on. But honestly, I feel like he hasn’t allowed himself to move on because he wants someone he can always run back to. And I know she’s willing to fall for it every single time.

And on her part, she needs to let go too. I know it wasn’t just Michael that made this whole falling for each other thing happen. I know they didn’t plan on it, and it just did, but there are factors that make it happen. And I’m so sure that she hasn’t been able to let him go. She needs to accept that he’s going to find other people. He told me straight up, “Why is it I can’t let you have anyone else, but I don’t care who she’s with?” She keeps trying to talk to me through Xanga and trying to be my “friend” and ask me questions. But to be completely honest, I don’t want anything to do with her. As much as I should “keep your enemies close,” I know that if I talked to her, I would SCREAM and BITCH at her about COUNTLESS things, and I know I’d end up regretting the things I said, because she’d tell on me to Michael and I’d end up hurt again.

I can understand where she’s coming from, because more than once I’ve been in the position of the “other” girl. Maybe she isn’t the “other” girl, I don’t know, I feel horrible calling her that because I’m just assuming. But I know he wants me in his life as maybe something more than friends, because otherwise, we wouldn’t keep talking even when we’d say we’d stop. We wouldn’t tell each other how much we still love each other, and we wouldn’t keep caring so much about each other. With time I have faith that we’d be able to work this out, and as I said earlier, with some growing up, things may change.

Last night confused him so much because I started bringing her up again, and now he feels guilty and that he betrays everyone. I’m trying to show him how much he means to me and he’s someone I want to be with, and also that I just want him to be happy in the end. But I know we can make this work…

I went all over the place, sorry. The end.